Thursday, September 3, 2015
Robbed of the extra hour's sleep I had really been looking forward to I examined the moment and realized that I was actually pretty full of energy. Despite not sleeping how I wanted to I was ready to face the day.
I was late and needed to get Lois to school! We booked it out of the house and drove to her preschool. At some point, probably right before I pulled into the preschool, I realized that I was actually an hour early. Not late. Stupid brain.
Somehow I was still full of energy. Just yesterday I was looking forward to this time on my own so that I could take a nice 2 hour long nap without any interruptions or worries.
I cleaned the hallways, upstairs and down. I tidied her room, which has badly needed it for a while. The living room floor got picked up and toys put away. I worked in the kitchen a bit.
Most days I don't get the list done and yet here I was, done in 2 hours.
I picked up Lois from preschool, brought her back home, had some lunch, and we played outside. I worked in the garden (she "helped) and I marveled at how good I felt.
At about 2, the headache came back.
I hadn't realized it had ever gone away. I just hadn't noticed. It's such a constant in my life that I just expect it to be there. Unless it's spiking I don't even notice it anymore but it's definitely there.
We're avoiding surgery because there's no guarantee it will fix the problem and the other symptoms have faded to the point of not mattering. No surgery to fix it unless/until things get much worse. The headache will continue.
I have some great pain pills that help a lot but I can't live on them: I'd prefer not to kill my liver until I'm maybe 80 or 90. So while I could continue on without the almost-daily pain because I have a free pass on some really good drugs, I'd rather avoid that. Bad liver, addiction, being spaced out when I need to focus on Lois; these are all things I'd like to avoid.
For a little while I felt what it was like to live without that pain without the fog of opiates.
It was beautiful.
It was horrible.
I hate realizing just how much these headaches of mine are really affecting me every day. These headaches that I don't even notice when they're not at their worst. I don't notice them but they still sap my energy, they still pull me away from doing all the things I love.
But for a little while I felt good. I felt normal. I saw who I probably would be without these headaches and I loved it. I'll miss that me for a while. I look forward to meeting him again.
Sunday, August 2, 2015
It's been an interesting 3 years, really. I lost myself a bit in being a father: I gave up much of what I love in the world so that I could focus on the slightly difficult job of making sure this willful baby didn't kill herself or permanently injure herself somehow. I know that sounds simple but it's somehow quite complex and difficult because children are freakin' insane.
Still, in that time I've come back to myself a little bit and found a balance. The surgeries (especially the brain surgeries) really didn't help but I've finally found time again in the day to work on the things that make me who I am.
But I'm back to working on it and I love it more than a little bit.
I've been playing with pastels. Oil pastels. One of the things I love about this particular medium is that I can put colors next to each other, on top of one another, in the general area of each other and then I can use tools to blend them together in a mess of different ways. I can scrape away colors, merge colors, and make interesting patterns of shadow and light depending on how I push against them and the tools that I use.
That's what my days have been about, really. Not just the art but the blending of "being Dad" into "being Jeremiah." I can only be happy when I'm the person I want to be or am at least striving toward that person without failure after failure.
I'm taking each day an hour at a time. I'm stepping off the internet quite a bit more than I used to because I find that it sucks me in for hours at a time if I'm not careful and while I can merge "surfing the net" with "entertaining, teaching, and playing with my amazing daughter" it doesn't really blend well with any other activities, as I see it.
I've taken back up the mantle of art and I'm making sure to set aside time every day to go outside (unless it's raining) and work in the garden with Lois. Sure, this means that I've lost a few more plants than I would have in the past (she brought me a few green bean plants the other day and said "Here, daddy, I brought you beans!") but we're both learning and every failure becomes another learning opportunity.
There are other things, too, of course. My life isn't just cleaning, keeping the crazy toddler alive, gardening and drawing. Tomorrow I'm going to try canning. Yesterday I made steak for 4 people because I love to cook. I'm learning, being responsible, and generally loving life.