Thursday, September 3, 2015

Nice While It Lasted

After a horrible night's sleep I woke up this morning to someone banging on our door at 6:30. Blearily I put on clothes and stumbled downstairs. The man at the door asked if my car was in the road - they're working on the road - and I pointed at my car in my driveway. I pointed out which cars belong to which homes so they wouldn't get towed.

Robbed of the extra hour's sleep I had really been looking forward to I examined the moment and realized that I was actually pretty full of energy. Despite not sleeping how I wanted to I was ready to face the day.

Lois woke up to the banging of the door so while she played in her room I took a shower and prepped for the day. I did my exercises, shaved, and cleaned up. I got Lois ready to go and looked at the clock.

I panicked.

I was late and needed to get Lois to school! We booked it out of the house and drove to her preschool. At some point, probably right before I pulled into the preschool, I realized that I was actually an hour early. Not late. Stupid brain.

 We grabbed some breakfast, ate together in the car, and then I dropped her off.

Somehow I was still full of energy. Just yesterday I was looking forward to this time on my own so that I could take a nice 2 hour long nap without any interruptions or worries.


I cleaned the hallways, upstairs and down. I tidied her room, which has badly needed it for a while. The living room floor got picked up and toys put away. I worked in the kitchen a bit.
I was productive. Where had this energy come from? I had no clue. I took a little time for myself, sang, and even danced a little bit. I finished up the few exercises I couldn't do while in the shower and generally got through my to do list for the day, plus some.

Most days I don't get the list done and yet here I was, done in 2 hours.

I picked up Lois from preschool, brought her back home, had some lunch, and we played outside. I worked in the garden (she "helped) and I marveled at how good I felt.

At about 2, the headache came back.

I hadn't realized it had ever gone away. I just hadn't noticed. It's such a constant in my life that I just expect it to be there. Unless it's spiking I don't even notice it anymore but it's definitely there.

And the energy was gone. Disappeared as though it had never existed. Gone with the breeze. Headache in, energy out.

We're avoiding surgery because there's no guarantee it will fix the problem and the other symptoms have faded to the point of not mattering. No surgery to fix it unless/until things get much worse. The headache will continue.

I have some great pain pills that help a lot but I can't live on them: I'd prefer not to kill my liver until I'm maybe 80 or 90. So while I could continue on without the almost-daily pain because I have a free pass on some really good drugs, I'd rather avoid that. Bad liver, addiction, being spaced out when I need to focus on Lois; these are all things I'd like to avoid.

For a little while I felt what it was like to live without that pain without the fog of opiates.

It was beautiful.

It was horrible.

I hate realizing just how much these headaches of mine are really affecting me every day. These headaches that I don't even notice when they're not at their worst. I don't notice them but they still sap my energy, they still pull me away from doing all the things I love.

But for a little while I felt good. I felt normal. I saw who I probably would be without these headaches and I loved it. I'll miss that me for a while. I look forward to meeting him again.